… I’m sorry, Sonic. I… I try, but every time you speak with me about this, my mind flickers back to the many times I have harmed you and it just hurts.
I feel so guilty for my actions and I can’t seem to forgive myself, I am struggling, but yet I want to get better because you deserve that from me.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around this. The fact that love me, that you trusted me with so much, yet I’m grateful for it, but after my actions it makes no sense to me. I do not know how to pick myself up when all my feelings conflict. How can I be so grateful yet feel so guilty? None of it makes sense to me any more.
I’m sorry. I have just been a thorn in your side, but yet, I’m so happy that you love me and I love you to.
I want to start again.
… Just as much as you can forgive me for hurting you and still love me after that? It’s not that hard to understand, dude.
You shouldn’t be wanting to get better just ‘cause I want you to. You should be wanting to get better because you deserve it. Come on, man. You’ve been through enough in your life as it is. Why do you have to beat yourself up over it? Over things that don’t even bother me anymore?
Survivor’s guilt over what happened with Maria, too. In that one it’s even less understandable because that wasn’t even your fault.
You haven’t just been a thorn in my side. You’re great to have around. I just want the self pity to stop.
I just… Cannot help but feel as if you wouldn’t have this insecurity if it wasn’t for me.
… I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet.
I had it before I met you. I just said that. It was a weird thing that I felt bad about. I don’t feel bad about it anymore, I just don’t think I should go flaunting it.
Not all of my insecurities and struggles are your fault, dude. In fact, a lot of them aren’t.
… Look, the reason I grow tired of it is ‘cause I’ve been telling you the same thing over and over and it doesn’t seem like you’re listening to me. I’ve said that I’m not perfect. I’ve said that you should lead your own life. But you never seem to retain anything that I told you. It almost seems as though you want to dislike yourself and not get over your problems.
… And I don’t want you to dislike yourself. I love you, y’know. I think you’re great. I like being with you. And I trust you — I mean, I handed my body over to you, somethin’ I would never’ve dreamed of doing before I got to know you. I think you’re a guy who’s had a tough life, but can learn from his mistakes. And I wanna make that easier for you, but you’re not helping me do that. You know?
Is what I’m saying not true, Sonic?
I didn’t accept you when you counting on me to, and now you believe others will have worse reactions than myself because of how I acted?
Shadow, you’re making this conversation all about you. You’re turning it into a thing of wallowing in self pity when I expected to be talking about, y’know, the thing I’m insecure about?
If you wanna talk about that, then we can and I’m up for it. But if all this conversation is gonna be is dwelling on how much of a failure you supposedly are and how many mistakes you’ve made, despite how many times I’ve told you that it doesn’t matter and all of that stuff is fixing, then I’m sorry, but I’ve run out of patience for it and I’m outta here.
By the way, quit the claptrap that it’s all your fault I’m insecure about it in the first place. I was insecure about it before I even met you, okay?
They’ll accept you…
Unlike I did.
Okay, you know what? I’m done here.
You mentioned my bad reaction…
Hey, hey. Don’t take it the wrong way. I know you accept it. It’s just…if you reacted that way initially, imagine how others would?
… Well, not…ashamed of it, I don’t think? Just… Don’t wanna go talking about it everywhere. Like it’s okay to accept certain parts of yourself but people can react bad to that, so it’s best to keep it under wraps.
Not really. I mean, only enough to tell the difference between who’s who, honestly. I do get attracted to people, but I’m not gonna go out and leap on someone who I’m attracted to physically and that’s it. Someone I like, though? Of course. Doesn’t matter how they look.
My current one, actually! Been going for a good year now, I think.
Maybe I should celebrate an anniversary or somethin’!
Nnnnope. Can safely say now that I’m different from the last time I answered this question~.
Well, I believe that everyone should deal with their mistakes and that the past shouldn’t be messed with…
But if I absolutely had to choose something…
I kinda wish I could go back and slap myself in the face and tell myself that I should get more open with these things earlier, and that Shadow doesn’t deserve me being such a jerk to him about it.
Let me just point you to ‘H’.
If ya mean play with my quills, uh… Sort of? Like, it’s weird. I wouldn’t want random people doing it, but it feels nice when it’s from someone close to me. Yeah.
… Wow. Why didn’t I see this coming.
Well, there’s, like, the typical, of course. Y’know, biting, kissing, whatever. And then there’s one other that I don’t really like to talk about.
Bad things happened the last time I announced it. Yeah…
Uh, I guess I’m not the biggest fan of dirty talk, too?
I dunno, I haven’t been at it enough to know what’d shake my libido.
My bodies metabolism appears to be different, just as everything else is about me. If I do not eat, I will lose weight rather quickly. That’s what I have been doing… I’ll go on that run though if you wish.
… I was created to be the cure to Maria’s illness, Sonic. I failed at being that. Not only that, but I then made her a promise that I shall look after this world and instead I ended up threatening it, almost destroying it, under her name.
I am a failure. I failed both of my duties.
I’m trying not to fail you by helping others I care for, but I doubt that will hold up long. As always, I fail. I’m supposed to be perfect. I flaunted the fact that I was supposed to be a flawless existence. I’m not supposed to fail. In fact… I am a lot of things that I’m not supposed to be.
Um, Shadow? Are you listening? Your weight has nothing to do with why I want you to go running with me. I don’t really care about it all that much. If you wanna go and lose weight, though, that’s fine by me.
You didn’t ‘fail’ at curing her illness; you never had the chance to prove ya could. That’s not your fault. I don’t know why you insist on blaming yourself for what other people did, because that’s just silly. If, say, you actually were being used to cure her at the time, then that’d claim would have more ground, but I’m doubting that you were at all. You were still in development, right?
You didn’t destroy the world, so that’s not a failure, either. It’s still here. You’re still standing on it. It’s pretty intact, too, I mean, I think we’re doing a good job at keeping it standing. Who cares if you almost did? Almosts never count. It’s either ya did, or ya didn’t. And ya didn’t.
Shadow, you were crafted by human hands. How on Earth could you be perfect? Humans aren’t. Their supercomputers have glitches in ‘em; their machines, like helicopters, have some sorta flaw that can be exploited. Your imperfection has nothing to do with you. It has to do with who created you. And you know what? You don’t have to be perfect. Lookit me. I’m doing what I’m doing, and I’m hardly perfect. I know, I know, you insisted I was, but I’m not. I hurt you pretty bad. Perfect guys wouldn’t do that. I fixed it, and I’m not beating myself up over it, but I’m not gonna pretend I did no wrong.
I think all you’re ‘supposed to be’ is you. Who cares if you were created, not born, like me? Fudge it. You’re just as living as I am. You still got a heart rattlin’ in there somewhere. You still have thoughts, feelings, and wants like I do. Your life is under your control, not someone else’s. If you wanna go and hand it over to other people, then that’s up to you. But it was never a matter of not having a choice. It was never a matter of you having to. You wanted to do all that you’ve done. And you still have choices now.
You can make of your life what you wanna. If moping here about lost purposes and beating yourself up daily about not being perfect is what you wanna do, then I guess none’a this speech is gonna matter to you. But somehow, I doubt you actually want that. There are a lotta things you can do and see if you’re not just sitting around. And you asked me to hold my hand out for you, so here I am. You wanna make something of yourself? I can give you that chance. I can take you around, and you can decide what to do from there, and I’ll support you all the way. But you can’t do that if you wallow in self pity.
"I understand. Just because we do not see eye-to-eye on this does not mean I don’t know where you’re coming from." Sonic must be close to his alternate if he felt this strongly about the topic. None of this had really been about what was done to him. Rather, what was done to his alternate. "…A chance for something to happen is not a certainty. As of now, I choose to remain as a G.U.N agent. I’m able to work closely with my teammates, so it’s not just me and them. I know for certain that I can rely on them."
He knew Sonic cared, but to hear it voiced was reassuring. To know he could rely on him, too, was reassuring. He released a soft breath. “I appreciate that.” Then, an ear twitched and crimson eyes opened to look up at the hedgehog with slight confusion. Who? “Swallowtail?”
Sonic probably would’ve added to that if he wasn’t distracted by the topic of ‘Swallowtail’. He chuckled sheepishly; he’d never defined who that was, had he? Whoops.
"Yeah, Swallowtail. He’s the Shadow from my Zone. Ordinarily I don’t call him that, but when you got so many alternates running around, I gotta call him something so everyone knows what I’m talkin’ about. I pretty habitually nickname people, though. I call one of my alternates Spiral, another Quill — pun on Quail — and then I call the winged alternate of yours ‘Wingy’, even though everyone else calls him Feather. What can I say? I got used to it.
"It’s pretty much as a result of his nickname for me, which he came up with to insult me at first but then it just became cool over time. He calls me ‘Bluebell’, so often to the point that I almost forget my real name sometimes. I think others have started calling me that, too, because I swear Wingy’s called me it once before. I dunno if I’m famous for my speeches or for bubble baths. Probably the latter. I love bubble baths.
"Anyway, he’s my boyfriend, so I’ll probably be talking about him a lot.
"… But seriously, bubble baths are great. You should take one with me one time."